Sick

I'm so sick of everyone. I wish that people would just tell you how they feel. I'm sick of guessing how people think or why they do certain things. I think its time once again for me to shut everyone out. Sorry to anyone whom I converse with. Every person I've ever talked with has just left me or replaced me and I just get hurt by trusting people. No more will I give people the chance to hurt me. Its not worth it to me.

Dark times

So many bad days in the past. So many scars. I don't even remember how this started. I don't remember how it ended. All I know is that each scar reminds me how the past is the past and that things will get better. No matter how dark it is before the dawn there will still be a dawn. I feel accomplished that I have nor cut in so long I have no desire to any more. It was hard to stop especially when there was no support no one to talk to. This dark personal secret was something that I had to overcome on my own and I am much stronger now. These scars remind that even thought something hurts you it does not kill you. There will always be a tomorrow for me now.

Deceased

The enemy
the only place I feel at home
The best and worse

All I hear is thoughts
All I can see is sounds
All I feel is nothing

I listen but nothing is to be heard
I move there are no walls
I wonder where I am

This is wonderful
This is what I wanted
This I never wished for

Why do I hate everything
Why did I ever think of this
Why is this so sought after

If she even knew

If she even knew
Would it even mean anything
Just another's empty thoughts
Feelings so foreign
What if I said you keep me here
It really means a lot to me

My heart

I wish I could keep my heart in my chest. I hate knowing I won't be able to. I just want to be normal to taste peanut butter or almonds I want to not have surgery. Why can't my heart constantly be in the back of my mind. I've started praying for it to fix itself. I hate taking all these pills for it. There is nothing I hate more than these medications to keep me alive is that not strange. I hate what keeps me alive. It used to be the first thing I did when I woke up was smoke a cigarette now its a mouth full of pills. I hate so much of my life but I keep taking these pills. I want to move forward with so many things but what's the point I always think since I'll die so much sooner than everyone. I hate knowing that I'll always be sick and taking these pills. I just want to run away from everything and die on my own alone someplace unfamiliar. There is so much wrong with me. I hate myself. Very very few things distract me from the reality that I have this problem. I can feel my heart constantly beating so fast like it just wants out. It does not even like me. I can literally feel when it stopes sometimes. I hate it. I have become such a burden on people that don't even want me around. People that would rather work than take a day off to come with me to a doctors appointment where I get told how bad it really is. I get told how well I'm handling the situation when its constantly on my mind and driving me crazy. I'm just selfish. I just think why me why do I have to go at this alone. So many scans and tests its the only thing on my schedule anymore. I hate this. I am so scared. Only one person ever asks how I am and I don't think that meas as much to anyone as it does to me. Its not that I want attention I just want it from people I should get it from. I tell myself I'm OK being alone but I really people to talk to but I just can't make myself a burden to them. What is the point.

Clinical depression

How could I ever hope to make something beautiful when my hands are 1000 miles from the clay. If I am so broken at my core how could do anything but break things. I'm sorry for who I am. Insignificant is all that makes me. How can anyone love me if I hate myself. Nothing is rite. Why do I even try when I know I will fail. Why do I even talk. Why am I alive if all I am to do is suffer waking up. Behind my eyes is nothing but black. I am the hopeless cause that does not make the news. I don't want anything. I am the forgotten. I am the injured horse. Every rose has its thorns but the pedals have been lost long ago. I don't want this shattered heart to beat again. I wish to be all alone.