im a new person since I was posting before I found something in life you cant find online I was trying to find who I was on tumblr and instagram its been almost a year now since I last tried to kill myself and im doing a lot better on that end and to be honest I am actually happy for once and when I think about how happy I am it feel forign to me I just do what I want now I don't determine any aspect of what I do on others I don't pretend to like something or act a certan way because of people ive come into my own in the outdoors I am an avid kayaker now and am out fishing on it every day almost ive had one job since I last posted and im just starting another now I quit a company called sweetwaters donut mill because I worked my ass off for them and never felt apriciated by anyone so I quit because I have more self worth than what they think I just started at a new upper scale Asian restaurant that mixes different Asian quizene im a expoer and I don't cook but im the inbetween from the waiters and cooks

Beats

The space where my cold lifeless heart is has felt a warm murmur once again but yet it still remains cold and scared in the blackness under my ribs pondering apprehensively at weather or not to beat to the rythem of the this almost familiar but yet so foreign inviting feeling

Blossom

With a light streaming through a crack in the shade emanating glorious rays of pure natural light into a quiet tranquil still room projecting
The most pure and true beam of warmth cutting through the almost still dust in the air just creeping ever closer to the blossom of a beautiful flower who longs for the light to reach it and make it grow and blossom but the sparseness of light deprives it and forces her so stay inside the confines of the waning glow piercing through the little crack in the blinds but
The beautiful flower knows that one day it will blossom in the full power and awe of the sun and will then spread its pedals to feel the basking warmth for witch it has so longed

Strength

I vow from this moment on to never define myself by my weaknesses but rather by my strengths.

Wednesday

Today I have found my peace in song lyrics although I still feel as if I am a bother to people. Today has been 1000% better than the previous weeks. I still feel horrible for the friends I have pushed away as they do mean the world to me. I attempted to push them away as protection from what I was planning to do and I do not know if they would understand that though. Even if they did they might not think of me as the same person instead might see me as a hopeless cause or just insane (which might be possible). I am the sane person I have always been its just sometimes the demons in my mind claw their way out no matter how hard I try to restrain them.

Why

Today has been horrible I woke up wanting to die. I spent all day working my self up to the point where I almost went threw with it but as soon as I downed the bottle of Excedrin I knew I was making a mistake. I made myself throw up and just sat there crying. I don't know why I feel like I am absolute nothing to anyone. This feeling really sucks. I wish I did not feel this way but I do. I just feel like no matter what I do now nothing will ever work. At this point I don't feel as if I have any friends I've pushed them all away because in my head I know they do not care about me nor would they ever understand how I am feeling. My parents have no clue that I am depressed or anything and if I were to tell them I already know that I would just get yelled at for "doing this to them" like I'm sorry I'm a bad child. I don't even know what to do any more. All I can do is sit alone with these thoughts that are killing me. What is wrong with me.

The End

I walk around all day thinking about the end. Its so hard to keep breathing when you don't want to. I am no one to anyone and its hard to live with my lonely self. I hate being sad all the time but its not like anyone would even understand if I were to even talk. I am silent and silence is the hardest thing to deal with sometimes. I really have no idea what to do. I don't think anyone even knows how I really feel. I'm sorry for being such a burden  sorry for everything.