Strength

I vow from this moment on to never define myself by my weaknesses but rather by my strengths.

Wednesday

Today I have found my peace in song lyrics although I still feel as if I am a bother to people. Today has been 1000% better than the previous weeks. I still feel horrible for the friends I have pushed away as they do mean the world to me. I attempted to push them away as protection from what I was planning to do and I do not know if they would understand that though. Even if they did they might not think of me as the same person instead might see me as a hopeless cause or just insane (which might be possible). I am the sane person I have always been its just sometimes the demons in my mind claw their way out no matter how hard I try to restrain them.

Why

Today has been horrible I woke up wanting to die. I spent all day working my self up to the point where I almost went threw with it but as soon as I downed the bottle of Excedrin I knew I was making a mistake. I made myself throw up and just sat there crying. I don't know why I feel like I am absolute nothing to anyone. This feeling really sucks. I wish I did not feel this way but I do. I just feel like no matter what I do now nothing will ever work. At this point I don't feel as if I have any friends I've pushed them all away because in my head I know they do not care about me nor would they ever understand how I am feeling. My parents have no clue that I am depressed or anything and if I were to tell them I already know that I would just get yelled at for "doing this to them" like I'm sorry I'm a bad child. I don't even know what to do any more. All I can do is sit alone with these thoughts that are killing me. What is wrong with me.

The End

I walk around all day thinking about the end. Its so hard to keep breathing when you don't want to. I am no one to anyone and its hard to live with my lonely self. I hate being sad all the time but its not like anyone would even understand if I were to even talk. I am silent and silence is the hardest thing to deal with sometimes. I really have no idea what to do. I don't think anyone even knows how I really feel. I'm sorry for being such a burden  sorry for everything.

I feel stupid for how I feel. Wants are different from needs in the way that you can survive without something that would want. So therefore you don't ever need someone in your life. a person may feel as if they need someone when they really don't and are able to live another day without them. No matter how much we may think we need someone we really don't we can move on with life and overcome obstacles without that person. No matter how much out hurts or torturous it feels we can survive. I tell myself this every day but I still feel like I need someone. Even though I will never have what I feel I need I still live on. Eventually I hope this longing pain fades I know it will not. I am the worst of the worst people I am hard headed I hold on to feelings for way to long, so long intact that they never truly fade away. They just become apart of the poison that is my soul and consumes my thoughts. I want to go back to a time where I felt nothing just a emotionless shell of a human. I really do not like these things I feel for I know they will never happen.

Desires

I have a want. It is more of a longing. I have no idea of how to achieve my desire. My heart yearns for this idea in my head to be held and cherished. It is almost an impossibility for this to come true. For reasons unbeknownst to me there is hope in my heart yet. Is it because I've never felt a desire such as this, or because I have a childish spirit? Either way my mind is consumed by this and hope is what gets me through the daily struggle of life. The hope in my heart is all I have, for now.

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The agony of waking up every day just kills me. Each day that goes by just gets harder and harder. Nothing gets better my life is likened to a festering wound that gets poked and picked at every day.

Babbling brook

As I think about the endless stream of thoughts that race through my brain there seems to be one reoccurring theme. as it paints this beautiful picture in my mind I can't help this feeling of total sadness. The vivid image only shows my hopes will never come to fruition. Just as other imagery of such things have projected their way into my thoughts I know it will never happen.