Strength

I vow from this moment on to never define myself by my weaknesses but rather by my strengths.

Wednesday

Today I have found my peace in song lyrics although I still feel as if I am a bother to people. Today has been 1000% better than the previous weeks. I still feel horrible for the friends I have pushed away as they do mean the world to me. I attempted to push them away as protection from what I was planning to do and I do not know if they would understand that though. Even if they did they might not think of me as the same person instead might see me as a hopeless cause or just insane (which might be possible). I am the sane person I have always been its just sometimes the demons in my mind claw their way out no matter how hard I try to restrain them.

Why

Today has been horrible I woke up wanting to die. I spent all day working my self up to the point where I almost went threw with it but as soon as I downed the bottle of Excedrin I knew I was making a mistake. I made myself throw up and just sat there crying. I don't know why I feel like I am absolute nothing to anyone. This feeling really sucks. I wish I did not feel this way but I do. I just feel like no matter what I do now nothing will ever work. At this point I don't feel as if I have any friends I've pushed them all away because in my head I know they do not care about me nor would they ever understand how I am feeling. My parents have no clue that I am depressed or anything and if I were to tell them I already know that I would just get yelled at for "doing this to them" like I'm sorry I'm a bad child. I don't even know what to do any more. All I can do is sit alone with these thoughts that are killing me. What is wrong with me.

The End

I walk around all day thinking about the end. Its so hard to keep breathing when you don't want to. I am no one to anyone and its hard to live with my lonely self. I hate being sad all the time but its not like anyone would even understand if I were to even talk. I am silent and silence is the hardest thing to deal with sometimes. I really have no idea what to do. I don't think anyone even knows how I really feel. I'm sorry for being such a burden  sorry for everything.

I feel stupid for how I feel. Wants are different from needs in the way that you can survive without something that would want. So therefore you don't ever need someone in your life. a person may feel as if they need someone when they really don't and are able to live another day without them. No matter how much we may think we need someone we really don't we can move on with life and overcome obstacles without that person. No matter how much out hurts or torturous it feels we can survive. I tell myself this every day but I still feel like I need someone. Even though I will never have what I feel I need I still live on. Eventually I hope this longing pain fades I know it will not. I am the worst of the worst people I am hard headed I hold on to feelings for way to long, so long intact that they never truly fade away. They just become apart of the poison that is my soul and consumes my thoughts. I want to go back to a time where I felt nothing just a emotionless shell of a human. I really do not like these things I feel for I know they will never happen.

Desires

I have a want. It is more of a longing. I have no idea of how to achieve my desire. My heart yearns for this idea in my head to be held and cherished. It is almost an impossibility for this to come true. For reasons unbeknownst to me there is hope in my heart yet. Is it because I've never felt a desire such as this, or because I have a childish spirit? Either way my mind is consumed by this and hope is what gets me through the daily struggle of life. The hope in my heart is all I have, for now.

.

The agony of waking up every day just kills me. Each day that goes by just gets harder and harder. Nothing gets better my life is likened to a festering wound that gets poked and picked at every day.

Babbling brook

As I think about the endless stream of thoughts that race through my brain there seems to be one reoccurring theme. as it paints this beautiful picture in my mind I can't help this feeling of total sadness. The vivid image only shows my hopes will never come to fruition. Just as other imagery of such things have projected their way into my thoughts I know it will never happen.

Sick

I'm so sick of everyone. I wish that people would just tell you how they feel. I'm sick of guessing how people think or why they do certain things. I think its time once again for me to shut everyone out. Sorry to anyone whom I converse with. Every person I've ever talked with has just left me or replaced me and I just get hurt by trusting people. No more will I give people the chance to hurt me. Its not worth it to me.

Dark times

So many bad days in the past. So many scars. I don't even remember how this started. I don't remember how it ended. All I know is that each scar reminds me how the past is the past and that things will get better. No matter how dark it is before the dawn there will still be a dawn. I feel accomplished that I have nor cut in so long I have no desire to any more. It was hard to stop especially when there was no support no one to talk to. This dark personal secret was something that I had to overcome on my own and I am much stronger now. These scars remind that even thought something hurts you it does not kill you. There will always be a tomorrow for me now.

Deceased

The enemy
the only place I feel at home
The best and worse

All I hear is thoughts
All I can see is sounds
All I feel is nothing

I listen but nothing is to be heard
I move there are no walls
I wonder where I am

This is wonderful
This is what I wanted
This I never wished for

Why do I hate everything
Why did I ever think of this
Why is this so sought after

If she even knew

If she even knew
Would it even mean anything
Just another's empty thoughts
Feelings so foreign
What if I said you keep me here
It really means a lot to me

My heart

I wish I could keep my heart in my chest. I hate knowing I won't be able to. I just want to be normal to taste peanut butter or almonds I want to not have surgery. Why can't my heart constantly be in the back of my mind. I've started praying for it to fix itself. I hate taking all these pills for it. There is nothing I hate more than these medications to keep me alive is that not strange. I hate what keeps me alive. It used to be the first thing I did when I woke up was smoke a cigarette now its a mouth full of pills. I hate so much of my life but I keep taking these pills. I want to move forward with so many things but what's the point I always think since I'll die so much sooner than everyone. I hate knowing that I'll always be sick and taking these pills. I just want to run away from everything and die on my own alone someplace unfamiliar. There is so much wrong with me. I hate myself. Very very few things distract me from the reality that I have this problem. I can feel my heart constantly beating so fast like it just wants out. It does not even like me. I can literally feel when it stopes sometimes. I hate it. I have become such a burden on people that don't even want me around. People that would rather work than take a day off to come with me to a doctors appointment where I get told how bad it really is. I get told how well I'm handling the situation when its constantly on my mind and driving me crazy. I'm just selfish. I just think why me why do I have to go at this alone. So many scans and tests its the only thing on my schedule anymore. I hate this. I am so scared. Only one person ever asks how I am and I don't think that meas as much to anyone as it does to me. Its not that I want attention I just want it from people I should get it from. I tell myself I'm OK being alone but I really people to talk to but I just can't make myself a burden to them. What is the point.

Clinical depression

How could I ever hope to make something beautiful when my hands are 1000 miles from the clay. If I am so broken at my core how could do anything but break things. I'm sorry for who I am. Insignificant is all that makes me. How can anyone love me if I hate myself. Nothing is rite. Why do I even try when I know I will fail. Why do I even talk. Why am I alive if all I am to do is suffer waking up. Behind my eyes is nothing but black. I am the hopeless cause that does not make the news. I don't want anything. I am the forgotten. I am the injured horse. Every rose has its thorns but the pedals have been lost long ago. I don't want this shattered heart to beat again. I wish to be all alone.

Blah

Will I be missed
I will be forgotten
Will anyone mourn
Not a soul will whimper
will I be visited in my grave
There will be no headstone

Insomnia

I have come to be quite the insomniac
I have not felt my bed in days
I have a thousand arguments in my mind
I have no resolution to any

So many hours awake
So many aches and pains
So many unresolved problems
So many thoughts wasted

Fears of never sleeping again
Fears of utter heartache
Fears of delusions
Fears of never being missed

Vile people

As I think of you my stomach churns and head spins I sit here with taste the bile rising from gut the events play over in my mind that have made me feel so sick one main theme juts out like a knife in my back that you put there

I dont even know

Today is the day that never comes
Tomorrow will not be brighter
For the end is today
Everything will never be alright
Nothing is as it seems
The silence of my life is eternal
I wish everything to be black
I want to see nothing any longer

This note

For those of you who will never read and comprehend this I did not kill my self don't think you did anything wrong. You are all perfect in your own way. I did not commit suicide I freed myself. I am now a drifter among the winds. I escaped this retched reality. I have not died because I know a piece of me will live on in all of you. Don't visit my grave for I am not there I am now one with everything you see and one day I'll drift on your way again. I'm not gone I'm just traveling among the stars your time will come and we will explore the universe together. This is only temporary. Do not mourn me, rejoice in my absence from this world knowing that I've move on to greener pastures. If only you all could see things as I do perhaps this wouldn't be a surprise to you why I've done this then. Bye all I hate most of you.

This is my suicide note from some time ago I've kept it for so long for reasons I do not know. No one has ever read it before I don't know what made me want to read it. I guess it just reminds me that one day I will die and at that time I will have experienced all that this world will privy me to. For now I have not done or seen it all. As I set fire to it tonight I remember all the feelings of that time and really realize that they are just memories nothing more. I have moved so far past all of that and I actually look forward to tomorrow since I know it will be better than the previous because its another day of living breathing and experiencing.

Wants

I want someone to always be by my side as I am there's, someone to tell secrets to and make me feel more comfortable being me than ever before. I want someone that makes me smile when I feel like I should dig a hole and die. I want someone that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I want to be with someone that can make me look forward to tomorrow. I just want you.

Right?

When suddenly you find your self constantly thinking of one person without even trying and then you come to realize just how much you care about them and feel they care about you. Without even thinking about it you just have a connection with someone that you did not think was possible and they just understand you more then you do yourself that's something special. Right?

Time

Time is constant I wish I could fast forward it but I would miss out on the suspense of the good things happening in the future I can't help but feel like I'm hanging on the precipice of something great weather it is a specific thing or I'm just eager for the future i think my tomorrows will never stop getting brighter and the nights she to be getting smaller every day that goes by I grow more and more eager to succeed I feel as of everything will work out in a grand way

idiot people

why must people be so stupid i am honestly sick of others all they do is try to bring you down they say things that in reality mean nothing but for some reason still effect us. some people i call friends tried to get me to smoke again today and it really bothers me because of how persistant they were with it. if im trying to better my self then why would you try to bring me down. just out of respect for me why would you want to bring me around it. if its someone prefrence to not be around somthing why pester them with it. if somone is truely your friend they will support you and stand by you. instead of saying how ive changed for the worse and im not the friend i used to be for choosing to not smoke weed why not realize im just making my life better. i hate how rude peopple are if you ave no idea of someones backround then how can you make assumptions about them and say rotton things to them. i honestky think i am of the 1% of decent people.

black

who even knows 

i know i dont

what is this

it is grand 

and yet sad

what is the point

if i try and try

no sense is made

everything is in a haze

nothing is as it seems

emotions are useless

i am useless

without emotions

the world is black

we could change that

...

I am so apprehensive about my future. I feel at times that I will never be able to achieve my goals. Then when I look at how far I've come I realize that I really can make a good future for myself. The past few weeks have been quite the transformation for me I've gained confidence that I did not think I could ever have I've come to see how much my life really means to me and how precious it really is. So many opportunities await me I can't wait to share all of my achievements with someone special to me because then its not just a accomplishment for me. I think that once I am with the rite person everything else will become easier since I will have a anchor someone to be there to support and reassure me and they will have me to do the same. Having someone that will stay by you and not run when things get difficult is something special.

Awake

Why am I still awake? I am a professional insomniac. The feeling of rest never comes to me even when I do rarely sleep its not restful. I long for a restful night sleep bit I am suffered to minuscule blinks of my eyes. I never dream anymore. At this point a nightmare would be a God send. Something other than just closing my eyes and opening them a wink later would be a start. I am not depressed I am not happy I am calm and yet I am not at peace. There is nothing in particular bothering me no logic or reason to why I am awake. This is going no where and I do not know why. I don't remember what its like to sleep. I feel as if I am so used to having something plague my mind that I don't know what to do now that I'm alright. Its almost as if there is something still bothering me but its so deep inside me I don't even recognize it as a issue because its been engraved to who I am. Perhaps I am just broken and now I'm comfortable being this way.

My old drum

My old drum is still beating although to a sweet rhythm not yet taped
My old drum has been broken and has not made a wave in some time
my old drum will yet beat for it has a new skin still to be rapped
My old drum has a wonderful harmony still silent to all
My old drum will be played by a still empty artist  
My old drum will never collect a film again
My old drum

Omega

What is the point to thinking anymore the high of set sun is now transformed into a new moon it is virgin and yet so empty the newborn moon and the space in my chest are one in the same void of light and yet still blank in the sterile shadow of the sun it is cold and empty within my chest for I long to be in the graces of the waxing crescent for the luminescence it brings to the hollowed yet untouched place beneath my ribs yet to blossom into a final eternal cycle

Scars

I long for these blemishes of my past on my skin to vanish the constant reminder of the sorrow this skin has faced is almost too much to take how I've hoped in the past for each cut to be the last thing I will ever feel through the torture of the past my skin has grown thin in places but in others it has become scared so thick that it can no longer be cut my skin is now so weathered and torn that it is no longer skin it is just scars now never really healing just festering as an open wound all over I can no longer bear to be in this suit of scars I must cut it all off as the blood runs down and solidifies into scabs I see the sign of a new scar free skin growing back now all I have are these meaningless memories of days long past and now the real healing may begin on the scars in my mind

Mirror

When I've looked in the mirror
What I saw was not expected
Something was never rite
The glass was always broken
I could never clearly see
It was always different
What I saw was not real
It was never what I wanted to see

I just looked in the same mirror
What I saw was even more unexpected
It was especially different this time
it was not wrong but it was surreal
The clarity in what I saw I have not seen before
Its always the same sight now
The glass has been mended
It still was not what I wanted to see

The sight of myself surprised me
I felt the feeling of a seeing a well missed friend
He welcomed me with a excited vigor
This friend has been here all along
Adrift on a lost sea inside me
I always see him now with the same excitement
The mirror is no longer broken at all
the sight is what I needed to see it was me

This time in my life

At this time in my life I am hopeful I feel like things are going to work out I feel amazing I'm working on owning my own business and besides a few bad things i am so glad to be alive my friends are amazing we all have our own problems but together I think we can support each other through anything and my other friend who attempted something awful yesterday has made me realize how far I've come from back then those are just memories now and I have the whole world open to me I can't believe how I feel rite now I can look back at everything and think about it and not even care anymore I'm over it all I can move past it all and take just the good and this girl she really is so amazing and I am so hopeful for the future with her and what this adventure might bring I am really happy for the first time in I don't even know how long anything I put my mind to I feel I can accomplish I know I can be there for my friends and family since I am finaly able to let go of the things that have been holding me back I think I can really make a bright future for myself and the ones around me I feel like I'm happy for the first time I'm a really crying rite now because of how happy I am I really feel something besides numb to everything or just depressed for no reason and I love it and I really don't think this girl realizes just how happy I am because of her just being her

Death

When someone says they want to die they are not broken there is nothing wrong with them, they are human. Being human is more than just the use of tools or the brain power we have, its the love we share its the emotions we have, and regretfully the mistakes we've made. Even though relationships don't always work, your having a bad day or you've made a bad decision that does not mean you are flawed because as humans we have a god given gift to adapt and change. As humans we have the option to make tomorrow brighter we have that power and I feel as if most of us dwell too much on the past. All of our doubts and fears are backed by things that have happened in the past and you have to take the good with the bad. Some people are faced with so much bad in there life that it becomes almost impossible to see the good anymore I've been there I've been suicidal love attempted it in the past. Today one of my friends attempted just that I know I should not blame myself for this but I know feel like I could have been a better friend to her I should have recognized the signs sooner but I did not. I know it was her choice to and someone can't make you happy but others can help you see the good things and better cope with the bad. No one should have to feel that way like that's the only option and all of us humans are to blame for every suicide. Just because we are human does not mean all of us have humanity. I pride myself on being a good friend to those around me but today I feel like I have failed. I have not felt so bad about anything in years and I know I can make tomorrow brighter and be a better friend to the few I have I have to because I do not want to fail another friend again. I want to be the one to help the one that no matter what people will turn to talk with because they know I'll always listen because I will I count friends and family first to me there one in the same. I want to be the best human I can be and that starts with being a good friend. Good friendships are the basis of all relationships and for anything to grow you have to have a sturdy foundation. I promise to be the best friend I can be to all of my friends may we have better relationships yet.

Joy

For the first time I'm laying awake at night thinking of something positive in my future knowing you feel the same as I has made me so happy I don't think I have even realized it yet I feel kinda stupid for doubting myself so much but everything happens for a reason and I think for once something positive might actually be happening in my life and more so than anything I am glad to be sharing it with you and no matter what you might think in my eyes you are perfect and I hope you realize that you are too

as i lay awake

as i lay awake with the thoughts of you i wonder do you do the same if i were to tell you my true feelings would you still be there for me as the friend you have come to be if i told you these these feeling would you share and rejoice if i say nothing will you tel me what i so long to hear or would we just grow apart and leave me to these thoughts of what could have been if i privy you to the knowledge would you run or would you stay do you like me is the only question on my mind tonight do you or could you ever see the future i have pained on the canvas in my mind or am i the only one with the eyes to see the beautiful painting may you yet see the hues and shades of this work of art i call love i have some faith this but mainly doubt as each day grows longer without the knowledge of your heart perhaps if i were to be let into your heart you would see what could be true if only

Hand held high and hearts sunk low

My hands are high praising the hope of one day
My heart is low with the feeling of nothing

thinking

these thoughts in my head swirl as my stomach ties in knots over feelings about you i stare at my phone as my heart hangs on the next text my heart screams we should be together but my head knows you will never want to be and i cant tell if its just to protect my already damaged heart or because it is just not meant to be i must know how you feel and i take the absence of that knowledge as you do not feel the same i want to follow my heart but to what avail would it be if another heart break which would just destroy something already broken and the only thing that could repair it is your embrace which is out of my reach i long to express how i feel but for now i shalt not murmur a sound i will just stand idly by and silently admire your perfection from a distance

reasons to stay alive

1. the knowledge you have not acquired
2. the people you have not met
3. the story's you have not read
4. the love you have not shared
5. the people you have not met
6. the live you have yet to build
7. the poetry you have not read
8. the pictures you have not taken
9. the people you have not helped
10. the lives you have not touched
11. the places you have not traveled
12. you <3

love

why is love so  difficult i wish to feel its sweet embrace but yet it eludes me there is a girl she is so sweet and amassing i want to give her the world because she deserves it but she will never accept it she is perfect in every way i just wish she knew how i felt but i cant tell her she is so far away in more ways than one love is something so special and i have not accepted the fact that i have feelings for her because i have been too afraid to be hurt but i feel something different this time something real i hope she recognizes that i have such an affection for her but i doubt she does it is so complicated and hard im more confused than ever and all i can think of is her and what is not there even though i long for it to be she has no idea and that is the hardest part the worst part though is its happening even though I don't want it to or with me trying its unavoidable I hope the day that I express my feelings she mirrors them 

sleep calls but my mind is arguing

why must i lay awake at night with so many thoughts in my head and none of them be good i long to be normal to be able to sleep and dream i can never be alone all these thoughts keep me company and all they do is bicker and fight inside my head i hate them i want to turn them but if i only knew where the switch was perhaps if i knew myself better i would be able to relax and not think about everything all at once normaly i do not feel anything as if i am a robot pretending to be human when i actually have no sense of humanity or emotions but rite now in this moment i feel everything and i do not know what to do so im writing to a wall with no purpose but to get every thought in my head out until i do not feel like writing anymore i have no idea why this makes me feel better or perhaps it is just a distraction from the real problems i face with my internal struggles i am a walking paradox i am void of emotions but i would be considered emotional i hate that i cant feel anything but numb at times and wish to be happy or sad but when i do feel emotions its almost overwhelming there is no middle ground no balance

well hello no one

since this is my first blog post i would like to give anyone reading this a little back story of myself. my name i would like to keep private but you may refer to me as wilhelm(prenounced vilhelm) i am 18 years old and male I have had quite the history I feel and espically for someone my age I havebeen in and out of my perents house since I was 15 Ive had some pretty rough times in my life rangeing from an excessivly abusive father to living with a phyco tranny I have been addiced to alcohol and been able to get clean I graduated early from highschool and can almost go to any collage in the us but I dont know what I want to do Ive always had problems trying to have a connection with people to the point where I was willing to sacrafice myself which was one of the worst mistakes of my life and Ive learned from it there have beena few times in my life where I was suscidal and had no hope but I have moved past them im just a kid trying to live his dream of doing what I want I have two of the best friends a person could have and they like me for me and Ive never felt this way but it feels nice to be accepted.