My heart

I wish I could keep my heart in my chest. I hate knowing I won't be able to. I just want to be normal to taste peanut butter or almonds I want to not have surgery. Why can't my heart constantly be in the back of my mind. I've started praying for it to fix itself. I hate taking all these pills for it. There is nothing I hate more than these medications to keep me alive is that not strange. I hate what keeps me alive. It used to be the first thing I did when I woke up was smoke a cigarette now its a mouth full of pills. I hate so much of my life but I keep taking these pills. I want to move forward with so many things but what's the point I always think since I'll die so much sooner than everyone. I hate knowing that I'll always be sick and taking these pills. I just want to run away from everything and die on my own alone someplace unfamiliar. There is so much wrong with me. I hate myself. Very very few things distract me from the reality that I have this problem. I can feel my heart constantly beating so fast like it just wants out. It does not even like me. I can literally feel when it stopes sometimes. I hate it. I have become such a burden on people that don't even want me around. People that would rather work than take a day off to come with me to a doctors appointment where I get told how bad it really is. I get told how well I'm handling the situation when its constantly on my mind and driving me crazy. I'm just selfish. I just think why me why do I have to go at this alone. So many scans and tests its the only thing on my schedule anymore. I hate this. I am so scared. Only one person ever asks how I am and I don't think that meas as much to anyone as it does to me. Its not that I want attention I just want it from people I should get it from. I tell myself I'm OK being alone but I really people to talk to but I just can't make myself a burden to them. What is the point.